Today we're all Hokies...

... But I'm a Hokie every single day. Remembering 4/16/07.

As we approach the second anniversary of the Virginia Tech shootings I find myself sitting here thinking, “I can’t believe it’s been two years.” I suspect for the infinite future the middle of April will bring about sadness for me. It’s not typically a topic I talk about unless asked, but my mind is reeling with the topic and I think it’s time to express my thoughts through writing as it's the best way I tend to express my feelings.

It’s funny how certain times from two years ago can seem like yesterday, like the VT anniversary, and so many of my other senior year of college experiences seem like they happened a decade ago. I can vividly remember sitting at my desk in the bedroom of my on campus sorority house checking the weather and later my email that strange April morning. Not only was the forecast calling for snow, but in my email I had a message from the school saying there had been a shooting in one of the dorms on campus, police were investigating and we should stay clear. I was a little uneasy as we’d also had a prisoner escape from treatment at the local hospital with a gun a few months earlier, but violence just doesn’t happen on the Virginia Tech campus. As I sat biding time until I had to get ready for a group meeting for my capstone communications class that I was supposed to head to that morning, I informed my roommate of the occurrence in the dorm on campus. Word spread like wildfire as it always does amongst a bunch of college kids, especially a bunch of girls living in a sorority house. As the next email rolled telling us of the shooting in another part of campus and to stay inside away from windows no one really understood what was going on.

From here my experience of the rest of my senior year of college gets very surreal and clear, trustworthy memories get spotty. We sat out the day holed up in the house watching the news. For the majority of the morning we were glued to it trying to figure out the details of what had happened. At first the reaction seemed to be that this was a crazy occurrence, it wasn’t until the grave details started rolling in that the mood became somber and serious. I have vivid memories of watching and listening to the student’s cell phone video taken outside of Norris Hall. The sound of hearing the pop, pop, pop of gun shots on that tape as every news station replayed it over and over again will forever echo through my mind.

As the day wore on and details and video emerged we as a sorority took it upon ourselves to account for our members. Everyone could be accounted for but one. When we discovered one of our sisters had been in a class in Norris that morning two of my closest friends took it upon themselves to call and visit all of the hospitals in the area trying to account for her. I can’t imagine the trauma they endured, being shot down place after place and phone call after phone call being told she wasn’t in their hospital. The initiative taken by these two is something I will forever admire.

The remaining details of the afternoon remain sketchy in my mind. I remember fighting the busy signals trying to use my cell phone. I was able to hold it mostly together, except when talking to my family. I called my parents and my sisters and each time ended up in tears listening to their frantic voices wondering how okay I really claimed to be. I remember sitting around for hours, eventually turning off the TV after hearing the majority of the grave details emerging, unable to bear hearing about the “Virginia Tech Tragedy” as it was termed or those fateful shots from the cell phone video anylonger.

The afternoon/evening hours passed and we might have fought the mob of barricades, police, and streaming in news vehicles to grab some food once campus was deemed secure, but I can’t remember for sure if this food adventure happened on the actual day, or one of the following days that seemingly run together. We eventually got the grave news that our sister had been lost in the shooting. While this grave news was something the majority had started to anticipate the official confirmation brought a wave of screams and hysterics through the house. A grief counselor was brought in for us, while I don’t remember anything that was said to us, I remember feeling like sticking together was the only way we were going to get through it.

The following days and weeks leading up to graduation are a complete and total blur. The first weekend I decided to venture to Richmond after the shooting everything seemed so surreal. Thoughts that people all over the world were watching the news coverage being broadcast straight out of Blacksburg and the VT campus seemed to overwhelm me. While I understood what was going on at VT as I was there being a part of it, I couldn’t comprehend that people all over the world were infiltrating themselves into this personal and tragic aspect of our closely knit university community via the news. I fully and vividly remember each and every weekend that I spent in Richmond visiting the new boyfriend I had at the time, but I don’t remember any detail from the days between spent at VT. The end of my college career should probably be some of the most enjoyable time I spent among my best friends and at VT, but my brain has blocked out most of it. I can’t remember who spoke at our university graduation ceremony, but I remember giving a standing ovation to the Comm. student, a survivor, who walked across the stage on crutches during our individual college graduations.

We all managed to get through the end of our senior year in different ways. While some of my friends turned to partying and drinking, and others had recurring nightmares, I chose to remove myself from the situation as much as I could and focus on the more promising aspects of my life at the time, namely the new boyfriend.

My best friends, the sorority sisters from above, and I have recently been discussing the details and feelings we’ve had around 4/16/07. Some prefer not to talk about it at all; others prefer only to talk about it with other Hokies that were there at the time. I myself have grown to not mind bumbling my way through trying to talk about it. If you choose to ask me, you’ll pretty much only hear me trying to articulate how surreal the entire situation was, but unless you were there, you’re never going to understand the thoughts that go along with my words. We’ve discussed the most awkward responses we’ve gotten to saying we graduated from Virginia Tech. Even if those you’re talking to say nothing, you can see the thoughts going through their mind wondering if you were there. Well we were there. And if your next question is whether we knew anyone who died, the answer is yes. And now the conversation has gotten 10 times more awkward than it already was to start with, but personally I’d rather have you flat out ask than have an awkward silence follow my announcement that I went to VT.

As a proud Hokie, and friend of many other proud Hokies, we don’t want Virginia Tech to only be associated with the events of 4/16/07. Virginia Tech is one of the most wonderful places one will ever experience. It is a word-class institution with incredible spirit and a fantastic football team! Any Hokie can say their VT experience was undoubtedly the best four years of their life. If I could live it all over again, especially with a different out come to the end of my senior year, you can bet I would snap up that opportunity in a heartbeat.

The events of April 16th have forever changed me as a person. For one, I will always find myself with the memories that remain from that day and the best friends that will forever be best friends with common bond we share. I know that these people will always be able to relate to my thoughts, memories, sorrows that will appear mid-April of every year. Secondly, I find myself worrying about the wellbeing of others more than I ever normally would have. If I haven’t heard from a close friend or someone I care about in a reasonable amount of time panic starts to set in. I now have the capability of tying myself in knots with stories of what could have happened to someone have I not heard from them when I think I should have, or when I’m trying to reach them. While this later change is fairly mild in perspective, it’s still trying for a typically pretty carefree person to get used to. It’s been hard to deal with and a breaking factor in relationships with those who weren’t there that day. As much as you can explain your experience, there are no words to describe the feelings Hokies went through that day at Virginia Tech.

It has taken me two years to write down my thoughts, feelings, and what’s left of the memories I haven’t blocked out from April 16, 2007. It took me a year and a half to actually discuss the event with a fellow Hokie and best friend. I can honestly say it’s the only topic in which I will ever feel comfortable crying about late-night in the middle of a hotel bar not caring what anyone around me thinks.

"We will prevail, we will prevail, we will prevail.
We are Virginia Tech."
-Nikki Giovanni

Live for 32.